The stress of divorce is commonly considered one of the Top 5 most stressful situations a person can face. But now, there are people like Shelley Stile who can help you through this rough time with Divorce Coaching.
Shelley Stile is a professionally trained Divorce Recovery Life Coach who specializes in working with women on a one-on-one basis (on the telephone so you can be anywhere and be coached) guiding them through the pain and stress of divorce and help them move forward to create a new and vibrant life.
Shelley was kind enough to agree to do an interview and share her insights with OurStressfulLives.com. I hope you find the interview valuable and informative whether or not you have, or are currently experiencing the stress of divorce.
"We need to see change as a second chance to be who we are meant to be and have the life we deserve." ~ Shelley Stile
What made you want to become involved in divorce coaching?
My own divorce was the catalyst that resulted in my becoming a Divorce Life Coach. When my husband and I separated after 18 years of marriage, I felt completely traumatized and adrift. I was determined to take responsibility for my life and I did a number of things that were of great support for me.
I attended a number of personal growth seminars through Landmark Education as well as working with the therapist who had been our marriage counselor. I discovered Life Coaching by chance in a conversation during one of those weekend seminars and pursued it immediately. In retrospect, I have discovered that of course nothing happens by chance.
I trained with the Coaches Training Institute in the core curriculum of Co-Active Life Coaching and then went on to train in Spiritual Divorce Coaching with the Ford Institute of Integrative Coaching.
How is coaching different than therapy?
Coaching is concerned with the present and the future that a client envisions. The work is action oriented so that one sees measurable results. Coaching knows full well about the 'mind chatter' that holds us back from our personal best and the mind chatter revolving around divorce is intense. Things like: Where did I fail? What is wrong with me? Coaches recognize that mind chatter and we address it in order to heal, BUT we do not seek to understand all the 'stuff' that went on in the past. Coaching takes you from where you are today to where you want to be. Every week we take actionable steps that are highly specific and measurable.
The Coaches Training Institute states it this way:
Coaching asks questions of "how to" whereas therapy more often tends to ask questions of "why". Coaching examines lessons learned along the path to achievement. It is a forward-moving, action-based endeavor. Setting clear goals and strategizing for measurable results is the framework for the coaching partnership, as compared to therapy, where feelings, thoughts and self-exploration of coping mechanisms, and internal conflicts assume most of the focus.
What are the most difficult issues in managing the stress of divorce?
Non-acceptance of what was and what is; being in blame and resentment; not going with the flow of one's life or in other words, remaining in resistance to reality; remaining a victim; not being in the truth; wanting things to look like you think they should versus what they are; fear of the future or uncertainty; always looking for what is wrong versus what might be right; a negative and fatalistic perspective on life... these are just some of the many obstacles that present themselves.
To let go we must give up the life we knew for the life that awaits us. We must give up who we were for who we might become. We need to see change as a second chance to be who we are meant to be and have the life we deserve.
Stress Tip: If you're struggling with divorce, check out this hypnosis download that will help you begin to emotionally recover.
What are the top tips you give your clients to help them with the stress of divorce?
Take exceptional care of yourself both physically and spiritually. Eating well, getting exercise, doing yoga, meditating, practicing deep breathing when necessary, knowing when your body is telling you something is wrong, accepting support from family and friends and starting a spiritual practice if that works for you.
What advice do you give to parents to help their children cope with the stress of divorce?
Kids are much more resilient than we give them credit for being. One of the biggest mistakes we make as parents is to assume that our divorce is going to cause severe damage to our kids. That is not necessarily the case. It is how we choose to handle our divorce as it pertains to our child that is the critical aspect. It is usually a bad marriage that causes more damage.
Be truthful with your kids as to what is happening but always remember what is appropriate information. Keep the lines of communication open. Let their teachers know what is going on so they can alert you to any changes in behavior. Attempt at all costs to keep their lives as normal as possible.
Don't use your children as pawns in your divorce... that is extremely damaging. You and your ex should do everything possible to keep your negotiations and your anger to yourselves and far away from the kids. Place their welfare above your feelings about each other. Your feelings will change over time and you don't want to succumb to feelings that are highly negative or emotionally damaging.
What is the #1 thing you want people to know about you and your services?
Change is an opportunity to reinvent yourself and your life. Change is the one constant in life. You have one precious life and you must decide how you will live it. Divorce can be a catalyst for the change that has been awaiting you for a long time. Don't go it alone. Think of coaching much like a sport coach: someone who will give you the tools and training to be your personal best. A coach can see things about you that you cannot see.
I have always been a firm believer in support and assistance, hence my profession. The truth is that if things are not working for you then it is time to try something different. Coaching is not about me telling a client what to do. It is about guiding the client to access their own inner wisdom, to find the answers to all their questions and concerns. Coaching is about giving the client the tools and skills they are not aware of that will move them forward and out of the past.
It is done via telephone so you can be anywhere and be coached. Coaching is done in 60 minute weekly sessions. Every week we create an action list of things to do that will continually move you forward towards your goals. Life Coaching is simply one of the most powerful tools you can have at your fingertips to show you how to let go and move on. I know this from my own personal experience with my Coach and with my numerous clients.
I offer free sample sessions of Coaching so that the prospective clients can judge the value of coaching for themselves. I encourage your readers to take advantage of that offer. It could change their lives.
I want to thank Shelley for taking time out of her day to share this valuable information with us. Hopefully her insights have provided you with some hope if you are dealing with the stress of divorce.
You can learn more about Life Coaching for Divorce Recovery as well as schedule a free consultation with Shelley at www.lifeafteryourdivorce.com.